Birthday Goal Post

May 2, 2008 | Navel Gazing

Crazily enough, I’ve been blogging since 2005. It doesn’t really seem like it, but when I sit down to do this birthday goal setting post, I realize that this is the third time. Man! Blogging is so cool. I feel like life would just go by in a busy blur without it. Before the internets, I always wrote in journals, but in fits and starts, and there were of course, no comments. My private journal-scribbling did little to contribute to keeping in touch with friends and family, either.

Anyway, let’s see what I said last year and see how I did on the goals…

1. Keep my job. Learn more stuff. Feel like a badass geek by this time next year. 

Well… sort of. Shortly after I wrote that I would find out that the group I was working for no longer wanted to make any more websites and they got rid of me just like that. There was a period of unemployment in there… but then I got another geek job and it seems to be going well. I wouldn’t say that I’m a bad ass geek by any means, working in IT only serves to show you how LITTLE you know, but I’m definitely less afraid of it. I’m constantly confronted with scary things I don’t know how to do, but the more times I have to figure something out, the better I get at guessing at the process. And I don’t cry at work anymore, which is a HUGE improvement.

2. Continue doing yoga 3-4 times a week, and keep reaping the rewards.

Hmm. Well, I kept that up almost the whole year. I’ll give myself half credit. I still go about once a week, sometimes twice, but my stoopid commute makes it hard. I’ve had to switch to different, less time consuming, and less scheduled forms of exercise. When I have to fit exercise in to the day outside of the 12 hours I’m working or driving, it’s hard to make it to class. I end up going to the Y or walking the dog instead. 

3. Make Paris Happen. (SB and I are trying to cook up a way to work remotely for a month…) 

Paris didn’t happen. Working remotely for a month might have worked with the job I had at the time, but not with the one I have now. We did manage to travel a goodly amount though, so again half credit, I think. We went to Belize, Hong Kong, and twice to New York City.

4. Maybe…um…STOP taking the pill everyday at some point in the next year? (after achieving a certian level of geek badassery)

Yes, well, hmm. I did stop taking the pill. But guess what? Despite what you may assume, after doing everything in your power to NOT get pregnant your whole life, once you start having sex for the purpose of procreation, you don’t get instantly knocked up. Shocking, but true.

5. Schmractice Shpanish and the stinking guitar.

Yeah. My spanish is still fading away, and my pretty pretty guitar still sits unloved and dusty in the corner. Oh well.

Now then. What sorts of self improvement shall I take on this year…

1. Continue learning to be a proper geek. Specifically, not just learn complicated stuff at work, but try to apply these skills to things I like to do, like design and whatnot. I’d like to get over my fear of Photoshop, and also, perhaps tackle redesigning this blog. 

2. Figure out how to keep this job or get a different one in IT, but improve my quality of life. Do I need to spell this one out? GET OUT OF THE FREAKING CAR. Get back some of those 20 hours a week, 32.5 days a year I spend sitting in traffic.

3. Keep up the fitness regime. Achieving number 2 will greatly improve the odds of this.

4. Complete a couple of fitness events. SB and I plan to do the ALS DoubleDay, an 85mile bikeride in July, (Dude. We need to start training. Kristina? When do you start kicking my ass in gear?) and also… three friends and I plan to walk the Portland Marathon in October. There I said it.

5. Get pregnant. Have easy pregnancy. Birth beautiful child. Be perfect mother. That should be easy.

6. And what kind of goal list would this be if I didn’t put Spanish and the guitar on here? Maybe this is the year!

If you’re still with me after all that navel-gazing, thanks so much. That’s what blogs are for, right?

I did somethin’ crazy…

October 15, 2007 | Navel Gazing

Before:

Kinda boring. Bad roots. 

I’ve been thinking about doing something drastic to my hair. It is just hair, afterall, and I don’t really even have that much of it, so anything I do to it isn’t quite as permanent as if it was long. I decided about 2 months ago that I wanted do some crazy color, but then I got the new job, and I wasn’t sure if it would be okay. Well, it turned out that one of my colleagues has pink hair, like anime pink, and my boss’s boss has Cruella Deville hair, died all cool, black and white. So! I decided there was no reason not to…

For all you locals, I want to pause here and say I LOVE MY HAIRLADY*. I’ve been with her longer than I’ve been with SB. She’s got skillz. I never have to know exactly what I want, I can just say, “I don’t know… shorter? A little funkier perhaps?” and she’ll make it happen. Or, I can say, what about a similar cut, keep the front length, but how about black? With some red stripes?

Cool, eh? I love it. SB said I look like someone you should not fuck with. That works for me.  

* Jamie at Face It - 253.988.3325. She’s worth driving to Puyallup for, I promise. Hell, I’d drive almost anywhere for this woman.

Something weird happened at yoga today.

August 10, 2007 | Navel Gazing

No, it wasn’t nearly as traumatic as the last time I blogged about yoga, but it was definitely something I could obsess over.

When I arrived today, my favorite spot in the top right of the second row was open. I set up my scene (mat, towel, water bottle) and laid down. Then this lady, who is also a regular, came in and set up her scene right next to me. For some reason, I’d always thought this particular woman was cool. She’s in her forties, she looks good, and she kicks ass at yoga. Anyway, she was there for about two minutes, and then she got up and moved somewhere else.

SHE MOVED.

So, now I’m laying there, thinking, was that weird? Yes, I think it was. As a regular in that place, I know you come in, survey your options, and choose the best one. I like to be on an edge, in the second row, for example, but if that’s not available, I’ll take an end position in the first row. So, she came in, surveyed the scene, picked her spot, set up her mat and towel, started stretching… then moved?

What the hell? Do I stink? Do I do something irritating? Under the guise of a side stretch, I surrepticiously sniffed my armpit. It smelled fine. Then I sat down and did a feet together hip stretch and sniffed my feet. Nothing. I knew my breath was good because I had eaten an apple on the way there.

There are actually two people in class who I do everything in my power not to end up next to. There’s Fidget McWigglepants, whose nickname* says it all, and then there’s Big Man Huffnpuff. He’s this huge dude, with a barrel chest, who has a very distracting habit of holding his breath in poses and letting it out in explosive PUFFS.

Today’s experience made me glad I’ve never actually moved when I’ve found myself next to them. Besides, it not about them, it’s about me, and I should be able to zen past that shit.

I know it’s possible that her move had nothing to do with me, but I still think it’s weird. Fellow yogis? Your thoughts?

* I wonder if I have a nickname? Stinky McDirtyfeet? Self Absorbed Susan?

Happy Birthday to me!

April 26, 2007 | Navel Gazing

Well, on Saturday, Happy Birthday to me. Yay!

Thus begins the yearly goal setting and self reflection. As I explained last year, I like to make resolutions on my birthday, instead of at New Years. I normally don’t feel quite up to self improvement at that time of the year, you know?

So! Here were my goals on my last birthday:

-Get a new job that hopefully pays me for my efforts. I am through slaving away, underpaid, in the non-profit sector. Can I please sell out? Please?

Sell out accomplished! Woo Hoo!

-Keep the workout wagon in sight but love yourself all the same. I work hard to stay fit and healthy, but for the first time, in the last year, I have noticed that things are shifting a bit, if you know what I mean. Finding new and different homes, really.

I rule on this one, too! I defied the shifting and settling and found Bikram Yoga. It has changed my life in so many ways and deserves it’s own post. Seriously, though, I WANT to do it, I’m happy with how I look, it’s calmed my racing thoughts, helped me to sleep better, I could go on and on.

-Take a big trip. (Thailand Dec-Jan 07?)

Um…. not so much.

-Remember the Liverpool Lessons and choose to be happy

30 was an excellent year. I was definitely happy, and constantly thankful for it.

-Take the Pill every day. It is not quite time yet.

Word. An accomplishment all the same!

-Practice Spanish and the Guitar. This is on every goal list I’ve made for the past 5 years and I’ve done a piss poor job. Hence, I am losing my formally fluent Spanish with each passing day, and I can only play 2 songs on my beautiful guitar, which sits lonely in the corner, the collected dust mocking me.

Well…yeah. Let’s move on.

So! This year…

1. Keep my job. Learn more stuff. Feel like a badass geek by this time next year.

2. Continue doing yoga 3-4 times a week, and keep reaping the rewards.

3. Make Paris Happen. (SB and I are trying to cook up a way to work remotely for a month…)

4. Maybe…um…STOP taking the pill everyday at some point in the next year? (after achieving a certian level of geek badassery)

5. Schmractice Shpanish and the stinking guitar. *sigh*

*sigh*

April 18, 2007 | Navel Gazing

Hello lovely internet friends,

I’m sorry this blog has been so stale. I have a couple of posts swirling about in my head, but whenever I sit down to write them, I feel so frivolous. To write about weekend activities or whine about the weather seems wrong in light of recent events.

I can’t imagine what the Virginia Tech community must be going through. My senior year of college, our campus was touched by gun violence as well. It rocked us to our core and changed forever my opinions about guns and my illusions of safety.

So, just for today, I write to express my thanks for all your friendships, either IRL or virtual. I wish for you all to know you are loved and appreciated. In this world that can be so ugly, I am surrounded by beauty in my relationships, and I know that I am blessed.

_______

See also, Jill’s post, for a fleshier version of that day and this sentiment. 

Sometimes I get blog ideas in the shower.

February 11, 2007 | Navel Gazing

I love shampoo and conditioner. I don’t usually allow myself to get the super expensive stuff, it’s not even necessary. I can have plenty of fun sniffing the various flavors available in the grocery store.

This love of hair cleansing products is the reason I have a drawer in my bathroom full of a million tiny bottles of shampoos and conditioners that I’ve stolen from hotels, even going so far as to put them in my suitcase so that they replace them daily. 

I realized, however that I NEVER use them. When we run out, I get so excited to get to go buy shampoo and conditioner again, that there’s never a time I need them at home. I don’t take them when I stay overnight with friends and family, I just use their product. (OOoooh! What do THEY use?)

Well, with this new time consuming job thing, I haven’t had time for the luxury of a drugstore trip, and we ran out about a week ago. The drawer is totally saving the day! And I’m decluttering! It’s really fun to have so many options. Most of it is really nice, too, or I wouldn’t have bothered saving it in the first place.

For some strange reason, maybe it’s my mom’s cheap ass thrifty influence, I’m enjoying this resourceful payoff of my shampoo fettish. Maybe I’ll let myself get some Aveda next time, since I’m such a good little money saver with such tidy bathroom drawers.

Mixed Merry Emotions

November 16, 2006 | Navel Gazing

I LOVE the holidays. I can’t wait for all the wonderful christmass-y things to come. Ooh! I get to decorate my house for the first time! We’ll get our first full sized tree!

I’m also looking forward to all the events. We always go to the Christmas choir concert at the ole alma matter, we’ll see the Christmas themed show at the local theater, and I’m sure there will be a party or two.

Then there’s the little things. The egg nog latte in a festive red cup, watching A Chistmas Story whenever I get the opportnity, and the music, of course. I love Christmas music. (Just the standards, though. I hate those shmarmy original ballads that all artists feel compelled to include on their Christmas CDs)

This season though, I’m feeling a little icky about the present part. I feel SO INCREDIBLY BLESSED already, and I don’t need any more stuff. And while it’s really fun to buy things for some people, I’m just feeling crappy about the obligation of it all. And stressed out about money! Under normal circumstances I have plenty of guilt about spending money, but now I’m unemployed! Gah! It is so NOT in the spirit of the season to guiltily purchase an obliation gift.

I wish I could have all the family togetherness, all the tradition and ritual and festive-ness, but no presents. What would be really cool is if we could all contribute half of the money we would have over spent on presents and buy someone in southeast asia a cow.

Or a pig. Or a water buffalo.

SB’s with me, and so is my mom, actually. I don’t think we could ever convince the others, though. Am I utterly lame? It’s sort of wierd to be all gung ho about everything Christmas except the presents, I guess.

I cracked.

September 23, 2006 | Navel Gazing

I know you have all been RIVETED by my hair growing process, but I had to do it.

Behold! The longest my hair will ever be for the rest of my life. I surrender to the gods of hair growth. I haven’t the strength to persevere through years of middle stages.

Before…
Originally uploaded by picture_ho.

SO MUCH BETTER.
Originally uploaded by picture_ho.

The back:

It’s really hard to take a picture of the back of your head.
Originally uploaded by picture_ho.

The thing about long hair is, it’s pretty and all, but it looks shite on day two without serious maitenance. Yesterday was a day two day with short hair and I got compliments, even after a sweaty bike ride.

I know it’s probably silly or vain, but I just FEEL more put together when I LOOK more put together. I think I’m probably way to anal for hair that doesn’t all have a place to go, you know?

Anyway, I’m LOVING IT. Yay!

Zzzzzz

September 1, 2006 | City of Destiny, Navel Gazing, We Are Family

So, I’m not working right now*. I’m not freaking out yet, though, because I still have a month of pay from j-o-b. It has been almost a month since I quit. I hardly noticed with all the summer activities going on, until this week. I got bored.

Accept for yoga**, I’ve left the house twice. We went to a movie, and I did one afternoon of training up in Seattle. I’ve been getting lots of little annoying things done, and I’ve continued my cooking spree. But now, I’m bored. And boring! I need to leave the house for blog fodder, at the very least!

I’ve decided that next week I shall BEGIN A PROJECT. Paint the bedroom? Organize the basement (or abyss of random shit)? Stay tuned.

This evening I actually got dressed and ventured from my hobbit hole to take my mom out for dinner for her birthday with Officer Sister. It’s hot and lovely here today, the kind of proper summer heat that I know I probably won’t feel again for another 10 months, so we went down to the water front.

My mom is so cute. She gets so excited to hang out with us it makes me feel bad that we don’t take her out more often.

Mmmmm. Cucumber Mojitos.
Originally uploaded by picture_ho.

Tacoma prettiness
Originally uploaded by picture_ho.

* I knew when I quit there may be some time before I was placed on a project. It’s cool.

** which I attended 5 times this week. I rule.

Babies.

August 29, 2006 | Navel Gazing

To have one, or to wait.

How does anyone know when to make that next step? How do you know when you’re ready to alter your life forever? I guess for a lot of people it just happens, and then you GET ready. Maybe that’s a good thing.

My mood on the topic changes from week to week, it seems. For a few days I will think about how fun a baby would be, how great it would be to show it things and teach it stuff. I’ll wonder what it will it look like. I’ll flip open one of my doula text books and dream about how excited I am to be pregnant and give birth…

BUT THEN I’ll think about taking trips. Sleeping in. Doing whatever we want, whenever we want. Being spontaneous. This is a little embarrassing, but I also think about how it will change my body, and worry about possible future body image issues.

My friend* Jill is having similar thoughts:

Oh, and the whole baby thing…yeah, that’s a complicated one. If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have been so incredibly certain and “ready” to get pregnant. This month I’m having cold feet and all the fears of “are we really ready and equipped to make an addition to this family” are cropping up. I’m not sure what feelings to trust, so I’m thoroughly confusing myself. I know one will never really be “ready” but I also wonder if there are still things I need to do/accomplish. I feel like the married folks I know who are getting pregnant are SO certain and have no doubts, AND the married folks who are not getting pregnant are equally certain of themsevles, which leaves me quite confused by my own radical pulls.

I guess maybe I still feel too selfish. If I feel like lazy mornings and the size of my ass are important, I’m not ready, right?

My biggest fear is that things will change with me and SB. It’s impossible for a baby NOT to change things. We’re so perfect right now. I feel sad thinking about not being eachother’s one and only. I know that sounds weird, and selfish, again.

BAH! It will happen soon enough. I now know it will be in the relative near future. I spent so long saying, “five years,’ it’s significant that I’ve made the leap to “relative near future.” Now I think more along the lines of trying to avoid being pregnant during upcoming bachelorette parties in Vegas or glamorous weddings. (Again with the selfish.)

*Hi friend Jill! Hope you don’t mind me publishing your private email on the internets, but you just said it so well. And you’re pretty.

___________

UPDATED:

This post by Sundry, today, her son’s first birthday, is making my ovaries hurt. Watch the video, it is SO worth it.