1. This one is sort of nebulous, but I hope I have myself figured out by next year. Man. Before Clark, I knew who I was and what I wanted, but now I feel like a mess most of the time. Things are definitely getting back on track with my job (I got one! more later!) and fitness and whatnot, but SO MUCH has changed in the past year or so that I feel so floaty. I strive for more present moment awareness of my super blessed life and more balance in general.

Wow, right? A year ago, I was still not feeling quite sorted. Well, I am proud to report that I do in fact think I have myself figured out. There are of course still plenty of unknowns, but I think I’m in a place where I am happy in my life, happy in my skin. I can finally see with a bit of distance that 2009 and about half of 2010 were some TIMES.

2. I hope to have figured out how to have a regular work out routine in my life by next year. Clark is older now, so it’s getting easier, but I still find it hard to make it happen. I’ve learned that I am VERY unhappy and a touch crazy if I don’t get that serotonin boost from regular exercise. That’s probably half my problem this year. I hope to report success at the Seattle Rock and Roll Half, the DoubleDay, and at least 2 other events.

Dudes, I knocked this one out of the park. At this time last year, I was pretty sure I liked running, and wanted to aim high by saying “two other events.” In the end I did EIGHT races last year, including three half marathons. Boo. YAH.

3. I want to continue to give my all to being a mom. When I read this next April, I want to be able to say, “my boy is still the most awesome little dude ever and I’ve got him figured out.” He’s the only thing that Really Matters, you know? Sometimes I forget that.

I am so very happy to report that my Clarkie is the most awesome little dude ever, and so far, I still got this. That’s all I meant by that, really. I’m not saying he’s always easy or even pleasant, but I don’t feel like he is beyond my capabilities, you know? That all sounds more “kids are just work and drudgery” than I mean it to. He is my moon and stars.

4. I want to get better about letting others know how much I love and appreciate them. I used to be the QUEEN of sending birthday cards and nice notes and pictures and whatnot, and understandably, that has slipped in the last year or so. It makes me so happy, and I hope it brings a smile to the recipients, too.

There is still room for improvement here. I think I got better this year at telling people with my face that I love and appreciate them, but I am still not quite up to the level of postal achievement that I would like. Just yesterday, though, I finally bought myself something I’ve wanted for a long time, a perpetual calendar to keep track of my birthdays. I plan to sit down with it on Sunday nights with a glass of something, and make/write birthday cards for that week’s folks and write thankyous to the previous week’s people who need thanking. I’m stoked!

5. If by this time next year I’m not with child again, let this be a reminder that I better hop to it. As it is, I will already be of “advanced maternal age”.

Yep. Officially of Advanced Maternal Age. There have been talks.

Okay! This year!

1. Continue with this campaign of authenticity, and love and acceptance of myself and my loved ones. Remember it is just as easy to be positive all the time as it is to be negative. Remember how crazy blessed I am. Keep my eyes peeled always for ways I can help others.

2. Practice good self care. Take care of my skin! Continue running and yoga! Take my vitamins! Don’t eat/drink/smoke things that are bad for me! Be always grateful for my strong, healthy body, and take good care of it.

3. Make improvements to the house: Paint the deck. Clear all stuff leftover from previous owners from garage rafters and garden shed. Decorate/organize guestroom. Wallpaper/decorate upstairs bathroom.

4. Expose myself to more music. I usually don’t make any resolutions at new years, but this year I made some fun ones, and one of them was to expose Clark to more live music, because he loves it SO MUCH. We’ve been doing pretty well so far. But in the last 6 months or so, we’ve started going to shows more frequently again, and I love it.

5. Continue to improve as a mama. Read those parenting books next to my bed.

That seems like enough, I think. Hopefully this weekend I will get time to upload and edit all the photos I took on our fabulous weekend away because I can’t wait to tell y’all about it. Thanks as always for indulging me in my navel gazing.

ANYway, what I keep seeing evidence of, over and over, is OHMYGOD the TIME I used to have! The time for projects and crafts and leisurely breakfasts out with the Stranger. The time for sending cards and exploring rummage sales followed by long lunches and beers in the middle of the day.

Please don’t interpret this as a complaint about my current situation. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. That gorgeous boy brings me more joy than I ever could have thought possible, more joy than an afternoon in a book store ever could. I was just reminded by my own words how much life has changed.

Moms gotta take it where they can get it. So, last friday, the one before Labor Day weekend, my boss overheard me kvetching about the hours of traffic I was about to sit in and told me to go home early. (I love my boss!) As I rolled in to Tacoma, about 2 hours ahead of schedule, I listened to a voicemail SB had left me a few minutes before. “I’m just sitting out on the patio with my mom and my aunt, waiting for you. Clark is playing in the yard…” he said, or something to that effect.

Hmm. That didn’t sound like fun to me. I mean, I love them both, but I just didn’t feel like it. It was a beautiful day, and there I was, off the radar for 2 whole hours. Part of me felt like I should go home anyway, and get a few extra hours with my boy. But it WAS the friday before a 3 day weekend where I would get plenty of quality time. I also thought, maybe I should go home and relieve SB from child duty, but then I remembered that Clark had been with my mom all day, so he had just picked him up.

Seemingly on its own, my car headed for the waterfront. I got myself a table on a deck, a beer, and plate of carbs. I called a couple of people to see if they could join me last minute, but no one was available. So, me, my beer, and my Kindle enjoyed a totally unexpected and completely delicious hour or so of alone time.

This period of baby/toddlerhood is not forever. Soon enough, my boy won’t need me, and I’ll have all the time in the world for my own stuff. But man, that sure was a lovely afternoon.

I am not Clark’s main care taker.
I do not do the grocery shopping.
There has been a pile of laundry on my couch since Monday.

I don’t want to get too bogged down in how SAD I am about this. There are definitely some good things, which I’ll get to. But I’m seeing Clark an average of an hour and a half per day and it’s KILLING me. Kill. Ling. Me. He’s being raised by his village at the moment, not his mama. I leave the house at 6:30am and I get home at 6:30pm, and he goes to bed at 8.

SB and I are both IT contract workers and there was about a month there where neither of us were working. I’m glad to be contributing financially to our household again. I was basically offered my old job back and we were not in a position to turn that down, no matter how much I’d rather make a better quality of life or mothering decision. So, a paycheck! A paycheck is good.

Good things list:
1. The aforementioned paycheck
2. Getting dressed and showering and whatnot every day
3. My commute is terrible, (2 hours each way) but I’m now taking a train and a bus instead of driving, and as I’m a big dork for public transit, that’s kind of cool.
4. I enjoy getting to eat ample snacks and a proper lunch every day, which hardly ever happened as a mom.
5. Workplace’s kitchen. All the freshly brewed quality coffee and sparkling water I can drink.
6. I like my boss and my coworkers a lot.
7. It’s nice to use my brain again.

I’m hoping that this is just a difficult transition period and that we will all be fine. I know I’m not the only working parent in the world, and the fact is, I got to stay home with my baby MUCH longer than most. This contract will be 6 months to a year, so this isn’t forever. And I know already that I’m never doing this again. I’ll just have to find something closer to home next time, and take the pay cut. Any advice from the mamas among you would be appreciated!

1. Keep improving my photography. Not just the quality of my images, but all the related technical aspects. I want to know how to use everything in Lightroom, and to continue rocking my Manual Mode. Keep learning, too. Attend as many seminars or workshops as I can. And always remember that I love it. Trust my eye. And if I say it’s a good picture, it is. Don’t get stuck imagining the criticism of my peers.

I think I did really well with this one. Thanks to my d300s I got this year, and my increased confidence, I pretty much always think my pictures rock. Pardon my lack of humility! I always shoot in Manual mode now, and even if sometimes during a shoot I wonder if I’m getting anything, I’m ALWAYS pleased and shocked at what I’ve shot when I open the files later on the big screen. I love photography so much! As for the learning and training aspect, I’m a wiz at Lightroom now, I went to the Pictage Partner Con in New Orleans last fall and got my geek on, and I recently took a class at the Nikon School. There’s so much to learn!

2. By this time next year, I want to be in the height of fitness again. And I want to appreciate it. I think back to the time, around the fall before I got pregnant, when I was going to Bikram 3-5 times a week and being asked to DEMONSTRATE POSES TO THE CLASS. Did I appreciate my awesomeness? No! And I probably still would have told you I needed to lose weight, because I am a stoopid stoopid girl. If I ever get back there again, I’m going to KNOW I’m strong and powerful, and I’m going to be kind to my body.

Well, I wouldn’t say I’m at the HEIGHT of fitness, but I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I’m training for a half marathon. Woot! As for the rest of it, such is the burden of the female, I suppose. I would say that I feel pretty good about myself right now, though. Spending 9 months pregnant, then over a year feeling not my best has definitely given me an appreciation for clothes that fit and a husband who still thinks I’m hot.

3. I want to become a more positive person. Lately, I’ve been trying to repeat to myself over and over that I’m too blessed to be stressed. It’s SO TRUE. I mean seriously, on a global scale, you , me, and everyone we know has hit the freaking jackpot. Again with the awareness. I want to always appreciate how incredibly awesome my life is. Also, negative thoughts cause wrinkles. It’s true.

Hmm. This one is interesting to me. I’ve recently started seeing a therapist for the very first time, and she is helping me to be kinder to myself, realize the ridiculously high expectations I set, and also, to see that since Clark was born I’ve felt totally out of whack. It’s telling to note that when I wrote this, 5 months after birth, I was beating myself up about being negative, when the gloom and doom I was feeling may have been a bit out of my control. So, while I see this is a great goal, I’m gonna have to give myself a bit of a pass on this one.

4. Be the best mother I can be. I don’t mean this in a ’setting expectations too high’ kind of way, or a ‘never letting him eat dirt’ kind of way, just that he deserves my best effort always. Ensuring his health, well-being, and prosperity as a human are my most important jobs in this life. I hope to always remember this. My alma matter, PLU’s mission statement is “educating for lives of service”, and without sounding to matyr-y or like I’m always going to let him have his way, I want to think of parenting as service to the person I want him to grow into.

This is a wonderful goal, and I think I do a good job almost all the time. I know the mothers among you will know what I mean when I say, I know when I’m not at my best. Sometimes there’s a fish-flopping, writhing toddler who doesn’t want to get their diaper changed and he’s getting poop all over the place and I can feel the tension rise and hear it in my voice. These are not my best moments. I try to keep them as infrequent as possible. But otherwise, we MUST be doing a good job because my boy is the best thing since sliced bread.

5. So, Spanish and the Guitar. I’m hoping that we do some traveling in the next year where I can get some practice on the Spanish. And as for the guitar, as much as I wanted my kids to grow up in a musical household, it may just have to be when he’s a little older. So, consider the slack cut on that one for this year.

Blergh. No traveling, no spanish, no guitar. I even lent it to my sister so SHE could learn to play it. I’m inspired lately by the couple of families I know that are taking lessons all together with their 8-ish year olds. Perhaps there’s hope for us yet!

Okay. Goals for 2010.

1. This one is sort of nebulous, but I hope I have myself figured out by next year. Man. Before Clark, I knew who I was and what I wanted, but now I feel like a mess most of the time. Things are definitely getting back on track with my job (I got one! more later!) and fitness and whatnot, but SO MUCH has changed in the past year or so that I feel so floaty. I strive for more present moment awareness of my super blessed life and more balance in general.

2. I hope to have figured out how to have a regular work out routine in my life by next year. Clark is older now, so it’s getting easier, but I still find it hard to make it happen. I’ve learned that I am VERY unhappy and a touch crazy if I don’t get that serotonin boost from regular exercise. That’s probably half my problem this year. I hope to report success at the Seattle Rock and Roll Half, the DoubleDay, and at least 2 other events.

3. I want to continue to give my all to being a mom. When I read this next April, I want to be able to say, “my boy is still the most awesome little dude ever and I’ve got him figured out.” He’s the only thing that Really Matters, you know? Sometimes I forget that.

4. I want to get better about letting others know how much I love and appreciate them. I used to be the QUEEN of sending birthday cards and nice notes and pictures and whatnot, and understandably, that has slipped in the last year or so. It makes me so happy, and I hope it brings a smile to the recipients, too.

5. If by this time next year I’m not with child again, let this be a reminder that I better hop to it. As it is, I will already be of “advanced maternal age”.

As always, my dear friends, thanks for tolerating all of this navel gazing. And thank you SO MUCH for taking the time out of your day to pop over here and read my drivel. I appreciate you!

If you follow me on the Twitters, you know SB and I went to Vegas over the weekend with a really fun group of friends. Clark stayed with his grandma. It was a big step for everyone!

I was really worried that Clark would be sad, or that I would be so too sad to have any fun. Or worse, that I WOULDN’T be sad to be away from him.

But everyone had a fabulous time, and I think it was good for all of us. Clark was perfectly fine without us, better probably, because his Grandma puts more effort into entertaining him 24/7 than we do. And it was good for SB and I as a couple to have some time away.

It was also good for us as parents. I didn’t NOT miss Clark as I’d feared. I missed him a ton. I was afraid I might party like crazy and and be all, “WOO HOO! SCREW BABIES! YEAH!” but that didn’t happen. I had a great time in Vegas, did plenty of partying, but I longed to be back home, being a mom, and that made me very happy. This trip reminded me that I’m doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. As much as I dislike this about myself, I can be a “grass is greener”-type sometimes, so this was a lovely reminder to have.

As far as Vegas is concerned, I do not recommend going over a holiday weekend. It was crazy crowded and you had to wait for everything. But of course, we were in good company and the weather was DELICIOUS, so we had a wonderful time. There was much pool sitting and cocktail sipping, and we got to go see Cirque du Soleil, which blew my goddamn mind. Blew. My. Mind. I kept saying, I think I know JUST enough about yoga and pliates to know that what they did was freaking IMPOSSIBLE. When you have to stop and remind yourself that it’s real people and not CGI, you know it’s a good show.

Anyway, we’re back to reality and I’m happy. This morning, I was noisily kissing Clark’s neck and making him giggle, when he grabbed a hunk of my hair with one hand, my tender neck skin with his pointy claws on the other, and used his shockingly sharp teeth to bite my cheek, all at the same time. Yes. It’s good to be home with lovely, and abusive, little boy.

A little late, but it’s that time of year again. I make my resolutions on my birthday instead of in the dead of winter, when I’m more likely to be couch surfing with a pint of icecream and an entire season of some show. Now then. Let’s see how we did. Here are last year’s goals:

1. Continue learning to be a proper geek. Specifically, not just learn complicated stuff at work, but try to apply these skills to things I like to do, like design and whatnot. I’d like to get over my fear of Photoshop, and also, perhaps tackle redesigning this blog.

Wellll… hmm. I’d say I did fairly well on this front. As you can see, the blog is still the same, but I did manage to finish out another contract at Microsoft without breaking anything. Recently, I’ve been doing all kinds of scary techie-type things related to photography, so I’d say my geekiness is coming along quite nicely. I still hate all things Sci-Fi related, however, much to SB’s dismay.

2. Figure out how to keep this job or get a different one in IT, but improve my quality of life. Do I need to spell this one out? GET OUT OF THE FREAKING CAR. Get back some of those 20 hours a week, 32.5 days a year I spend sitting in traffic.

Christ on a cracker, I feel so badly for the me of last year with that STOOPID commute. Four hours a day, dude. I really can’t believe I did that. Well, needless to say, my quality of life has GREATLY improved.

3. Keep up the fitness regime. Achieving number 2 will greatly improve the odds of this.

I will say I definitely did well on this one, until Clark was born, that is. (We’ll get to my current sloth later.) Let us not forget that I am crazy insane and actually trained for a marathon whilst pregnant. I walked 20 miles at 26 weeks pregnant, and completed a half marathon at 30 weeks. I walked an hour on the treadmill the day before Clark was born. I’m actually quite proud of myself for all that! Yay me.

4. Complete a couple of fitness events. SB and I plan to do the ALS DoubleDay, an 85mile bikeride in July, (Dude. We need to start training. Kristina? When do you start kicking my ass in gear?) and also… three friends and I plan to walk the Portland Marathon in October. There I said it.

Check and check! *high fives*

5. Get pregnant. Have easy pregnancy. Birth beautiful child. Be perfect mother. That should be easy.

Well, now. I DID get pregnant. And in retrospect, my pregnancy WAS easy. This is not the amnesia hormones talking, I seriously lucked out. Once I got the lower back issues sorted, I was fine. He came a week early, even, so I never got that uncomfortable in the end. And I DID birth a beautiful child. He’s so SO beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Sometimes I trip out on just his eyelashes or his porcelain skin.

About the perfect mother part. I’m doing my best. I think I do okay.

6. And what kind of goal list would this be if I didn’t put Spanish and the guitar on here? Maybe this is the year!

FAIL. I was busy.

So! 2009. My 33rd year.

1. Keep improving my photography. Not just the quality of my images, but all the related technical aspects. I want to know how to use everything in Lightroom, and to continue rocking my Manual Mode. Keep learning, too. Attend as many seminars or workshops as I can. And always remember that I love it. Trust my eye. And if I say it’s a good picture, it is. Don’t get stuck imagining the criticism of my peers.

2. By this time next year, I want to be in the height of fitness again. And I want to appreciate it. I think back to the time, around the fall before I got pregnant, when I was going to Bikram 3-5 times a week and being asked to DEMONSTRATE POSES TO THE CLASS. Did I appreciate my awesomeness? No! And I probably still would have told you I needed to lose weight, because I am a stoopid stoopid girl. If I ever get back there again, I’m going to KNOW I’m strong and powerful, and I’m going to be kind to my body.

3. I want to become a more positive person. Lately, I’ve been trying to repeat to myself over and over that I’m too blessed to be stressed. It’s SO TRUE. I mean seriously, on a global scale, you , me, and everyone we know has hit the freaking jackpot. Again with the awareness. I want to always appreciate how incredibly awesome my life is. Also, negative thoughts cause wrinkles. It’s true.

4. Be the best mother I can be. I don’t mean this in a ‘setting expectations too high’ kind of way, or a ‘never letting him eat dirt’ kind of way, just that he deserves my best effort always. Ensuring his health, well-being, and prosperity as a human are my most important jobs in this life. I hope to always remember this. My alma matter, PLU’s mission statement is “educating for lives of service”, and without sounding to matyr-y or like I’m always going to let him have his way, I want to think of parenting as service to the person I want him to grow into.

5. So, Spanish and the Guitar. I’m hoping that we do some traveling in the next year where I can get some practice on the Spanish. And as for the guitar, as much as I wanted my kids to grow up in a musical household, it may just have to be when he’s a little older. So, consider the slack cut on that one for this year.

As always, if you’re still with me after all that navel-gazing, thanks so much. That’s what blogs are for, right?

And you know what? We survived. Not only that, it went really well! Clark exceeded expectations left and right. He was great on the plane. He only fussed a little on the hot, longass airporter ride. He slept just as he usually does, on a queen size bed further away from me than he’s ever slept. He learned to love his Ergo carrier. I’m telling you, it really feels like we turned a corner.

We went to San Fran so that I could attend a photography workshop. I could go on and on, and I probably will in future posts, but should you be interested in such things, Me Ra Koh, the photographer who put it on, did a post about the first day here. It’s a great post with lovely pictures detailing our first day of the workshop, and also the first night meet and greet, seen below:

Yep.

It was called the “Discovery Workshop” and boy, do I have some discovery to do. That picture just kind of says it all. Who the heck am I? Sorry to get all navel-gazey on you, but this thing really had me “discovering” to say the least.

I can’t seem to figure out who I’m supposed to be now. I’ll preface by saying, every mom must go through this, so bring on the thoughts in the comments. It’s just that I used to define myself by my career, by my extreme fitness routines, by my cruise director-y social life…and I don’t have any of those things anymore. I have different things, better things, but now that we’re coming out of the newborn fog, who am I supposed to be? Am I supposed to try to recapture the old me, or make a new me? And if it’s a new me, who is she?

Anyway, the workshop helped me to articulate all that for the first time. I’d been feeling it, but hadn’t been specific about what was bugging me. SO, the Goal Post is coming, as well as a New Career, but I have some mulling to do.

Have I ever mentioned how ENORMOUS his feet are?

They’re delicious. I understand why he needs to put them in his mouth.

So, I’ve never done this before, but I need to ask a favor. Could you help me get back on my blogging horse with some topic ideas? Have any burning questions about the care and feeding of a 6 month old? I am expert! (bonus points for saying this in a Karl Hungus voice) Are you one of my few imaginary internet friends? Anything you want to know? IRL peeps, do you remember a funny story that should be recorded for posterity’s sake? (bonus points for saying that last bit in a Count Rugen voice) Whatevs!

Please help my Mama. I stole her brain cells.

Ha. HA HA HA.

Here’s where the whining starts. If you’re not in the mood for vane, pathetic ramblings, please just move along and come back another day. I’m ashamed. Really. But I just gotta say, there’s almost no way to avoid getting a big ole Mom Butt.

I worked out every day of my pregnancy once the puking stopped. I walked a half marathon at 30 weeks. I did an hour on the treadmill the day before Clark was born. I ate healthily, indulged occasionally, and I gained exactly what the charts say you should, 27lbs.

[Disclaimer: PLEASE OH PLEASE understand that I have so much love for the pregnant woman, so much awe in that miracle. I in NO WAY mean to place a value judgement on my weight, nor do I have any judgement when it comes to the pregnancy weight gain of others. We are all Unique Birthing Snowflakes and this is all just related to my own personal, body image, crazy cocktail, you know?]

I thought I was HOME FREE. Like, phew! Dodged that bullet! Am still hot!

Ha. HA HA HA HA.

I had no idea that the real period of ass expansion occurs when it’s suddenly Really Hard to get to the gym. When the breastfeeding makes you VORACIOUS and if you don’t eat something R.F.N you will fall over and die. The first thing in sight is rarely a salad. This is all fairly obvious, but dude. I’m shocked.

Then there’s the whole stupid and unhealthy ‘food as reward’ thing I got going on. More specifically, I don’t get to indulge in the ways I used to, I don’t leave the house (or the living room, even) that often, so the day’s excitement really is Dinner. Or Dessert.

**SIGH.**flop limply on sofa**ponder the injustice of the universe**

So, I’m trying to make the healthy choice, do my 30 Day Shred as often as possible, and remind myself how fortunate I am to have the luxury of whining about my ass. It’s still early, right? In the meantime, I’ll just try to focus on loving my awesome, child-bearing, milk-producing body, and also, try to channel Miss Holloway.

So. Three weeks ago, when I walked 20 miles, I was pretty sure I could have kept going and done 26 that day. Then, two weeks ago, everything changed. Before two weeks ago, when anyone would nay-say, I’d get all pissed off, thinking, I’m not crippled! Well, now I feel crippled. Last weekend, I barely made it through 10 miles, I was in so much pain by the end. My hips and back are a whole different thang than they were before two weeks ago. Um, hi third trimester!

So, as I’ve said all along, on Sunday I plan to get as far as I can. I’m pretty sure that keeping up with my friends is out of the question. Those bitches walk fast! Which means, while there will be thousands of people and bands and chaos and whatnot, I’ll be alone most of the time. People often use marathons as a labor metaphor, and I suppose having to do this by myself is sort of fitting.

I’ve decided I’ll be really happy if I can do half, but whatever happens, I’m not going to push myself too much. I suppose it’s possible I could surprise myself. My chiropractor was all, “Pshaw. You’ll be fine.” this morning, so who knows?

I have all kinds of thoughts about this, of course. I’m REALLY disappointed that after all this training, committing to the long walk every freaking weekend since May, I’m not going to be able to do it. I’m bummed that I won’t get to experience this with my freinds. I’m also a little relieved, in a way. I’m just going for a walk on Sunday, (albeit at the ass-crack), no big whoop.

Anywho, thanks so much for all of your support and encouragement, blog peeps. I promise to post a full report and pictures on Monday. Yes, I’m bringing my camera.