Flotsam Pt. 6

Lucy writes:

I have another question! Since leaving college, what jobs have you held? эротическое телевидение в интернете

Little does Lucy know what an interesting question this is for me! Most folks might, you know, get a job in whatever they majored in, then live out the rest of their days happily working in their chosen field. Not so much me. I’ve re-invented myself quite a few times. It all started when I had the BRILLIANT idea to major in Spanish. I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up, despite taking 7 years to finish my Bachelors, so I decided that since plenty of people end up switching careers or working in different fields anyway, I may as well just major in something I enjoy. Besides, I had ALL KINDS OF ASSURANCE that employers were falling all over themselves to hire Spanish speakers.

Yes, well. This was 2001 don’t you see, and the recent college grad had quite a tough time finding a job, whilst competing with all the unemployed folks with Experience. So, of course, I ended up in retail.

My first job out of college was selling fancy olive oils and vinegars to tourists at The Pike Place Market. This was perhaps a better retail gig than being trapped in a mall somewhere, what with all the people watching, views of the water, and of handsome fish-throwing lads, but it had it’s definite drawbacks. Firstly, it was outdoor and COLD in the winter. Secondly, I was super bored and surrounded by lots of delicious foods. Combine boredom + too many treats + large parka and one doesn’t really notice her rapidly expanding ass. No good. Also, do you have ANY idea how boring it is to sell TWO products? Just two? If you work in a proper store, I imagine you have more to talk about than just Two. Little. Products. About the five millionth time you explain what extra-virgin means, your head explodes and your eyeballs go shooting out into the bay. These were dark times.

Well, surprise, surprise, I was eventually fired from that job. The owner, who was my friend (bad news), called me one day to say that he had received a complaint from a customer who said that I wouldn’t put down my book when she came into the store. This didn’t surprise me because we had free samples, so people who never really intended to buy anything would chat me up all the time, just so they could stand there snacking. I ignored MOST of our “customers”, really. Well, suddenly I felt terrible for being such an awful employee to my friend and quit on the spot.

This led to an even darker time involving further customer service, which you may be gathering is NOT my strong suit, at The Whole Foods Market. I worked in the bakery and had to wear a white jacket and an embarrassing little hat. I mostly worked at the coffee bar. This, in a city (Seattle) of people who are picky about their coffee, in a store for people who are picky about their food. It was no good. I lasted a year, though, and had my first ever health insurance. For the record, Whole Foods is a pretty good place to work, if, you know, you like people and can handle it when some lady tells you the bubbles in your foam aren’t tight enough.

So, just before I got the job at Whole Foods, I got my dream job. It was exciting! It was using my degree! It was, no shit, translating and transcribing surveillance for the DEA. (The details of getting this job are here. Good story!) The whole reason I took such a lame job at Whole Foods in the first place was because ANY MINUTE they were going to be done with my background check and I would be fighting crime and earning the big bucks. Well, again with the 2001, it took like a year and a half for them to finish it. In this year, I slung coffee for Whole Foods, then moved back to Tacoma and returned to waiting tables at the restaurant I worked at in college, From The Bayou, may it rest in peace. Needless to say, these were indeed dark days. I hated my jobs and felt like I should be using my brain and earning a decent wage, instead of taking shit from the general public.

I’ll pause here to say that should you work in customer service and you manage NOT to hate the human race, I commend you, and I APPLAUD you. I’m just NOT cut out for it. I can’t just shrug it off when someone treats me like I’m less than. I want to punch them in the mouth, and usually employers frown upon this type of behavior.

So! I finally got called one day by the DEA and I started immediately! That job was the scariest-assed, most stressful scenario I could ever possibly imagine, but I got some good stories out of the deal. I would come home from work every day literally soaked in sweat, I was so stressed out. It went like this. I would be sitting at a computer, leisurely translating an old call, when my screen would turn red and it would immediately switch to live audio, because the Bad Guy who’s phone was tapped would be making a call. The agents with their badges and guns would start pacing behind me, watching my screen, waiting for me to produce some English. Meanwhile, I’m listening to rapid fire Colombian ghetto slang, trying desperately to recognize ANYTHING, because surprisingly enough, I didn’t learn a whole lot of Colombian Ghetto Slang at my private liberal arts university. The call would end, and I would either turn around and deliver a report of the gist of what happened to the agents, or I would *shudder* apologize and tell them I needed to listen to it again. OH. MY. GOD. STR-ESS-FUL.

So, I did that job for about a year and then my dear SB decided to get his Master’s Degree in Liverpool England at the prestigious Liverpool Institute for Performing Arts. I thought about sticking around for my career and whatnot, but in the end I was up for a European adventure so off we went to Liverpool. I had two jobs there. One was more stress due to under-staffing and further customer service abuse at a property management company, or “Lettings Agent” in Britspeak. The silver lining there was that I loved my boss and he remains my friend to this day. The other was at the front desk of a Youth Hostel, which as far as jobs go, I liked, it was just that it was my second job on top of my full time job, so I was pretty wiped whenever I was there. I’m still friends with my boss from that job, too. Unfortunatley for both of these jobs, I was just MISERABLE there. I was lonely and sad and cold and poor. POOR. Do you know how sad it is to be so close to so many wonderful European destinations and not be able to afford to go see them? One thing about the Brits, though, they are SO NICE to their employees at Christmas time. It’s nuts. I’ve never before or since received the kinds of bonuses I got there, even as a crummy little minumum wage employee.

Good lord this post is long. Are you still with me? No matter if not. This is good for Posterity’s Sake.

SO, we got home from England and I was unemployed and it was fall of 04, so I threw myself into the John Kerry campaign. HA HA ha ha. Heh. Once I recovered from my depression, I took another lame job out of desperation. I didn’t feel like I could go back to the DEA after not speaking Spanish for so long, plus it required a lot of travel, which after being away from my friends and family for a year, I didn’t want to do. The Theater in town which had previously employed like 40 staff had closed down and gone bankrupt. An investor reopened it and hired me and three other people to do all 40 jobs. I actually managed pretty well, though, GAH, more customer service.

Some time in the year I worked at the Theater. I started to think, Jesus H. You’re about to turn 30. Get your shit together, woman. So I started to look for something I could do that got me out of dealing with the public and paid a decent wage. A friend of ours, whom I privately refer to as Our Personal Lord and Savior offered to train me up on tech-type stuff. I spent about 6 months independently studying and then ta da! He got a friend to do him a favor and hire me as a contractor at Microsoft. I don’t need to tell you that this was equally as scary as the DEA, pretending I knew what I was doing all the time, swimming with the sharks. But it got less and less scary, and I moved onto different contracts, and it turned out that I was good at it, and I liked it. I *LIKE* sitting in my little office all day futzing around with code, being super detail oriented, talking to NO ONE.

Then I became a mom. And now I’m a photographer. And if you’re still reading, you are a true true friend indeed.

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