Dear Clark,
Today you are one month old! In a way it seems like you were born last week some time, but I also can’t really remember what life was like without you.
I think we’re sort of getting the hang of each other. The nights are still long and difficult, and I can’t say we have any kind of pattern established, but I’m feeling less anxiety and dread when nighttime rolls around.
In the last couple of days, your awake-and-not-fussing time has increased. About a week ago, this was nearly non existent! But over the last few days, we’ve had some really lovely moments where you look around and flail your silly arms and sometimes even coo a little. Also, twice now, I think you’ve smiled at me on purpose.
There’s still a good deal of this. The secret seems to be variety. So, you cry, I feed you and that works for a while. The you cry some more, and we change you, and you are happy again. Then, you get fussy once more, and it’s time for a swaddle and a bounce on the yoga ball, which usually puts you to sleep for an hour or so. Then I get to shower or return emails while you hang out in your swing or your sling. Eventutally you fuss, and this all starts over again. I’m learning to make you my only focus, which makes this all a rewarding process, giving me a sense of accomplishment each time I figure out what you need.
I can’t believe how much I love you. I spend an embarrassing amount of time sniffing you, kissing you, inspecting all of your parts, then ultimately crying because I know someday you will grow up and break my heart. I know this is most likely due to my crazy hormones, but I start thinking about how soon you won’t let me snuggle you, and that one day you won’t need me anymore, and you’ll have secrets and a completely separate life. Crazy.
As is true for every life, I just need to be present in this moment and appreciate these times when I’m allowed to stick my nose in your mouth while you’re crying and smell your sweet baby breath.
Love, Mama
aaah, what a satisfying read that made, make sure you always keep it for him somewhere for when he is older.
stop making me cry!
Isn’t it bizarre — and wonderful — to take this letter and compare it to your life just a year ago? It’s a whole new, wonderful world out there … Even when I want to tear my hair out because the kids make me carry them back to bed a dozen times, I wouldn’t trade it in. Enjoy.
I just realized that we should have known that Clark would be a boy. There’s an old wives tale that says if your left breast is bigger, you’re having a boy; right breast is girl. I’m just sayin’.
Oh, Jenny. You have said it all perfectly. You are wearing motherhood very well. By the way, I am crying a little bit now.
I love the monthly letters (ala Dooce, no?) so you must keep them up! He is getting more and more lovely each time I see a new picture. I can’t wait to hold him someday…
I love all the photos, but especially the first one. You have such a way with words and images, I can almost picture everything you are going through. I can tell you are trying your very best, and that’s all you can do. Seems like he’s a fantastic kid with a very fabulous mama.
aw, little clark is 1 month! it seems like things are moving so fast. i wish i could grab time and ask it to take some deep breaths. there’s too much i wanna enjoy each day and sometimes it sneaks on by without me fully taking it in. i think i am being abstract here…i say all this in the hopes that i can spend some time with you and clark real soon. i keep meaning to bring over some soup and bread. i hope next week.
I just got a mental image of Clark as a tween – all big feet and shaggy hair! It’s a lovely letter Jenny, thanks for sharing it with us.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the photo of him with the belly cast!
Leah: Thanks! I plan on doing this every month, for a year at least.
hliv: Ah, my friend, you are an easy mark.
chickadee: The changes blow my mind. EVERYTHING is different.
beth c: Um, I don’t know what you’re talking about. (shh! beth! the internets!)
Noreen: Thanks, love.
Jill: Yes, I stole this idea from Dooce and all of her minions who have also stolen it. BTW, when you move here you can hold him all the time!
Camille: Thanks for the kind words! You’re the best.
liz: Yes please!
Rona: Thank you for reading it
fee: Thanks, fee!
I really don’t need any more reason to be sentimental.. sniff, sniff. That was THE loveliest letter I have ever read. Lucky, lucky, little boy.