Breathe in, breathe out
January 6, 2009 | Clark
I don’t feel like I was adequately prepared for this stage. There’s nothing anyone can say to prepare you for how hard this is. It’s just relentless. In this stage, he needs me all the time. I’m slowly learning how to meet his needs, but when he’s upset and I can’t figure out what to try next, and it’s late and I’m tired, I just cry right along with him.
Something I’m trying to be Zen about, is that right now, in this moment of my life, taking care of him has to be the only thing I’m doing. I want this to sound Zen and not martyr-y, like I’m afraid it does. What I mean is, meeting his needs has to be the ONLY thing I’m doing. When I try to do ANYTHING else, like eat, or shower, or something frivolous like watch TV or blog, and he starts to fuss, I get annoyed, and he gets more upset. But really, that’s just me being selfish. He needs something from me, but I get mad because I can’t do what *I* want to do at the moment. Do you see what I mean?
The other night, I’d had an intense couple of days without leaving the house at all and I REALLY wanted to go to Target. All day I was supposed to be able to go, but SB was working and couldn’t take Clark. Finally, he got his work done and told me to go. Clark was settled on his lap on the Boppy and I had my coat on and my purse over my shoulder when one of SB’s clients called. Of course Clark started to fuss. I took off my coat, ditched my purse and took Clark back to the Recliner of Lactation and cried and cried.
As SB proceeded to get a few more important phone calls over the next hour, I knew I’d made the right choice. I know that he would’ve felt very frustrated trying to work and take care of Clark at the same time. Like I said, this has to be the ONLY thing you’re doing.
All of this came to me as we snuggled together and we both stopped crying. Then of course he fell asleep and I was able to nuzzle him and sniff his head and take this picture.
Is it wrong that I love my baby the most when he’s sleeping?
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January 6th, 2009 at 11:24 pm, hliv Says:
I did a lot, alot of baby nuzzling (if you can count mine as babies anymore) over the last two weeks. It is truly the best. It is so important to take the time to do that. I am glad I will have more time to do it in the coming years!
This is so hard. SO HARD. I remember the first 3 months well. I would like to say it gets easier, but I think I am learning that it just gets harder in different ways. It only takes one of Anika’s tantrums to teach me where theories of demon possesion of children come from. I keep saying next year it will be easier, next year I won’t be so tired. And I have a full time housewife!
Maybe next year when both Lilian and I are home it truly will be easier. loves.
January 6th, 2009 at 11:35 pm, beth c Says:
I remember thinking, I should have gone back to work right away and then taken my maternity leave when the baby was more fun! Although I knew, logically, that the most important thing was to do exactly what you are doing and be there for the babe. And even though Liam’s waking hours are quite often very fun now, there’s still nothing sweeter than when he’s sleeping.
January 7th, 2009 at 12:35 am, Steph Says:
Jenny I feel like I have been punked!
I typically am very intuitive. VERY! Today at your home, I never felt a bit of your anxiety… You and your husband both were warm and welcoming to me and I so enjoyed your company!
Rumor has it that lactating moms can still enjoy red wine (I will look into that more to see if that is really the case)… if so I think that next week I may have to pay you a visit!
January 7th, 2009 at 1:01 am, dahli Says:
Love love love love love you Jenny!
I love your honesty in this post. There is not one thing in there that sounds martyr-y, only how it feels at this stage in mommahood. It is that gift that you have, honesty & telling how it is, that makes you a great one in a million friend & this quality is giving Clark an amazing one in a million mom.
xoxoxo
January 7th, 2009 at 10:16 am, Erin Says:
Hi, Jenny. I discovered your blog through Erik’s and I’ve been enjoying following along as you’ve been going through these first weeks with your little one. I remember those first few months well–you captured it exactly when you said that you really can’t do anything but be available all the time for your son. I remember my husband feeding me while I fed Calvin–I didn’t even have a free hand to feed myself, and Calvin literally sucked me dry of all my energy. No matter how much support you have, it’s really down to you, isn’t it? I remember that feeling of dread every time we went to bed for the night, wondering if I’d get any sleep at all. There’s just so much to figure out those first few months, and it doesn’t help that you’re all figuring it out together–you’re figuring out how to be parents, and your little one is figuring out how to be a part of this world. I’m not the advice-giving type, but I guess I’d say that life does return to a new kind of normal. I think you get okay with not knowing what to do all of the time. And no, I don’t think it’s bad that you like your baby best when he’s sleeping. Been there.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:16 am, tia Says:
that picture is ADORABLE. i can completely remember how i didn’t like feeling so needed when i had my first baby-it’s unlike anything you’ve ever experienced, especially if you’d had lots of time to do your own thing, like I did. It feels like you can never do what you want to do ever again but of course you will one day, believe me, you will. my mom always told me to nap when the baby naps which was good back in those early shocking days of constant care.
January 7th, 2009 at 11:56 am, abbersnail Says:
This is honestly the thing that scares me the most about having children. I hear it time and again from my mom-friends. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
January 7th, 2009 at 2:09 pm, Edward Gibbs V Says:
Parenting is quite a strange bind. As an eager parent, you asked for this, but the sacrifices you have to make all along the way in order to be a good parent are so very steep. This is part of why I’m in no rush. The notion of having to work and taking care of an infant at the same time just does not jibe well in my mind.
Ganbatte!
January 7th, 2009 at 2:16 pm, Jill Says:
Oh, Jenny. He is changing so much. I look up to you, along with all mothers (new and mature) with so much respect and admiration. I am eager to join the ranks, yet I know that once I get there I’ll spend half the time crying my eyes out. You make every woman feel as if they’re not alone. Thank you!
January 7th, 2009 at 6:09 pm, serror Says:
Are you aware of this blogger? You have very similar posts up today and you live about 35 minutes apart. And you have the same name.
http://onenjenifer.blogspot.com/
January 7th, 2009 at 6:12 pm, serror Says:
PS. Clark is beautiful!
January 7th, 2009 at 6:19 pm, victoria winters Says:
No, it’s not wrong. I feel the same way sometimes and mine is 14 months now. Hang in there. It DOES get better. I know you’ll get sick of hearing that, but it really does.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:15 pm, jonniker Says:
Darling girl, I have to believe it will get better. In the meantime, you are doing a spectacular job. You are.
January 7th, 2009 at 8:25 pm, sizzle Says:
It’s not wrong. Not at all! It’s difficult to give up everything even if it is worth it. It’s hard to transition. And damn it, sometimes you really just need a Target run!
January 7th, 2009 at 8:55 pm, Jen Says:
Hi there. Two different people recommended your blog to me today, as it seems we have similar plights. My son Rowan was born December 17 (also early!), and I’m just now coming to terms with what it really means to be a mom. And hoo boy, it’s been tough. But it’s also been wonderful, too, so I have to keep reminding myself of that every time I feel as though I’m just a milk truck, and one that couldn’t even get a break in all of that recent Seattle snow! Did Tacoma get it as bad as Seattle? Anyway, your son Clark is adorable. In fact, when I had your blog up earlier, my husband asked if a picture of Clark was Rowan, as we have those same blue and brown striped pajamas, too. Both are cuties! Good luck to you. I’ll be reading!
January 7th, 2009 at 9:03 pm, tacomachickadee Says:
You’re doing awesome. And this is why I recommend: Be prepared to just be lazy for awhile, but definitely escape (ON YOUR OWN) whenever possible — even if it’s the middle of the night to go explore the magazine (ice cream) rack at Met Market.
January 7th, 2009 at 9:56 pm, onenjen's mom Says:
Please contact onenjenifer. You could truly help each other. And your writing style is similar to hers so you may have a lot in common as well. You baby is beautiful as is onenjen’s.
Thanks.. her mom
January 7th, 2009 at 11:01 pm, Camille Says:
I can only imagine how you’re feeling, and to echo Dahli, I love your honestly in this post. To echo Jill, it gives all of us “non-moms” a peek into what we should expect when we step into the world of motherhood.
You are doing the very best you can, and sometimes it’s all you can do to get through the day! Hang in there, I know you’re doing a great job!
January 8th, 2009 at 12:33 pm, Emilie Says:
Jenny, I can’t wait for you to come back and read all your own posts in awhile. Maybe a year… give it that much? Whenever it is, I hope one of the things you will see about YOU as you exist in your lovely little blog is this: You DO tell it like it is as… and how it IS with you almost always includes something beautiful and true and joyful. After the crying, you always find a way to tell us about the tiniest sliver of good… like snuggling into that delicious slepping baby.
January 9th, 2009 at 3:51 pm, clickmom Says:
When my first was born (almost 16 years ago) I was in shock. I could not believe how this little thing needed me and only me 24/7. I always make sure new moms know that everyone was in the same boat. No one ever tells you how downright hard being a mom is. It’s temporary! It gets way way easier, hold on to that thought. The other good news is that the people who are the most bowled over by the first one usually have the easiest time with the second!
January 9th, 2009 at 3:58 pm, Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah Says:
This is that part of parenting that is impossible to comprehend unless you’ve been there.
But you are not alone.
My kids are 4 and I still like them best when they are asleep.