So, I was thinking since we’ve passed the halfway point and this may not become too tedious for you, my dear readers, I thought I would put all baby related thoughts in a weekly post.
The first thing I would like to address is THE PILE:
This would be the pile of baby stuff that I have no physical place for in my house, which is making it also feel like I have no metaphorical space for it in my life. I feel like I have two warring desires going on right now. The uber-organized desire to get the rooms shuffled and painted, get registered, etc, and the other desire that kind of wants to put all that off as long as possible, in a possibly unhealthy, denial-laden sort of way. I don’t know. When are you SUPPOSED to do this stuff?
The second thing I want to cover is my reasoning for not finding out what It is. My friend HW cracked me up in a recent email:
I can’t believe you are waiting to find out the sex though, as I like to start implanting gender bias as soon as possible in order to continue the patriarchy. I mean, do we really want a world of infant girls dressed in yellow? What’s next, a woman president?
HA! Really, though, here are my thoughts.
The practical thing:
Sweet Baby Jesus, there’s a lot of stuff you need to have a baby. Even if you’re afraid of stuff, and want to keep it to a minimum, there is still a mind-blowing amount of stuff. As things like car seats and strollers and slings and so on can really add up, I’m hoping that my dear sweet friends and family might help out with such purchases. It is my experience, that you get more practical gifts when there is no gender programming stuff going on. If It is in fact a girl, I’m sure there will be no shortage of frilly pink dresses in Its future, but aunties and grammas can buy that crib mattress instead, for the time being. I hope I don’t sound like an asshole, but there it is. Also, as Beth pointed out in the comments of the last baby post, should there be a second kid someday, you probably won’t get a shower, and if all you got from the first one was outfits, you’re screwed.
The surprise factor:
There are those that say it is the same surprise at 20 weeks as it is at 40, and I suppose that’s true. I gotta throw in the old line about ‘so few happy surprises in life,’ though. I know this line pisses others off, but for me it’s true. Also, as someone who’s watched countless friends go before her, I prefer to hear, “So-and-So had her baby! It’s a Girl! And her name’s SweetPea!” Rather than just, “SweetPea is here,” because you knew she was a she and that would be her name for months. If I had any doubt about this, Brooke’s comment on the last post solidified things for me:
We found out with my little one, which I loved at the time. Until I delivered him and the doctor held him up, and she smiled excitedly at me and cried, “It’s a BOY!” Which I obviously knew. That one sentence can have so much joy attached to it, but it had already been spoiled for me 22 weeks before that. Stick to your guns!
The name game:
I really like playing the name game, and if we found out, the game would be cut in half. That’s no fun.
And finally, the real truth:
Um… I just don’t want to be disappointed. I’m coming around to being okay with either gender, but I think I may need the next 19 weeks to fully accept it. I know people can turn this exact logic around the other way, but I really think that after I have birthed this baby and Its slimy body is placed in my arms, I will not care so much what It is. It will just be my baby, you know? I also think that maybe finally getting to know will help with the last bits of labor? Maybe?
Ultimately, maybe I’m just enjoying the abstract nature of this whole thing right now (as evidenced by The Pile). It doesn’t have a bedroom, It doesn’t have a gender, It doesn’t even have an in utero nickname. I imagine reality will catch up with us soon enough.
How’s this for reality:
I swear, IT JUST GOT HERE. Last week, I was just chubby. Now I’m finally pregnant!
Cute!
And yeah, having a baby means getting A LOT of stuff.
Cute, cute belly! Continue this pregnancy in your own way. Its yours and no one can take it from you. If you have a pile in your living room for the next 19 weeks…oh well! At least it will be handy when the baby gets here!
Woohoo! You really do look pregnant…and you look awesome! I found out what gender Julia was but didn’t with Anna, and it was great to have her as a “surprise” (although I always felt like she was a she and in the last few minutes of labor I said something like, “For the love of God, just pull her out already!”
If we were meant to know, we’d have a “womb with a view”. I never found out with any of my three (all girls) and it was the best, analysing mother’s instincts etc and evenings pouring over name books.
You look great BTW.
Kyls
Congrats, Jenny! You look radiant! I missed Blogher for no good reason, but it looks like you have a wonderful excuse!
I gotta say, I’ve had to surprises and one “forget it — I need to know what clothes to get rid of” advance notice baby, and my advice: DO WHAT YOU WANT! Personally, I think there are plenty of surprises beyond gender … weight, height, eyes, hair, personality, etc. … that I had no problem finding out with No. 3. But I also was good with whatever I got. Basically, my point: the choice is yours to make, and whatever choice you make is right. Because it’s yours. And you look great!
Oh yeah … and it’s months after baby gets here that he/she actually needs a room. Or toys. Or books. Or anything, really, but the two of you. (And a couple onsies and snowsuits. And diapers I suppose.)
Oh my gosh you’re radiant! Ahh the benefits of uber amounts of hormones and extra blood coursing through your body. That pile is barely and anthill compared to what you’ll have after they baby shower!!! As far as what you *need* to have a baby…all you need is diapers, a blankie, maybe a onesie or two, and a willingness to be awed and humbled. There’s tons of shit out there, but you don’t need it. Yeah some stuff can make your life easier, some stuff just takes up space until the kid moves out of your house and you force he/she to take the crap with them or you’ll take it to Goodwill. By that time, it should be back in fashion…or at least retro. I look forward to your weekly updates!
You. Look. Amazing.
You look great! Soon strangers will want to touch your belly! (ew!)
I could never wait to find out. But I hate surprises. So that’s my own neurosis.
It’s so lovely to know that you know yourself well enough to know what’s right for you. I honestly cannot believe that anyone is harrassing you for not finding out. Whatever. I believe that everyone secretly wants to be surprised but can’t take the waiting, and I am a person who found out.
It’s the same as when people offer opinions on baby names. Um, hmmm, totally not their baby! You are being so gracious about explaining your process, but you can just say, “This is what I want to do.” You do look glorious, by the way, and besides needing diapers, as everyone has mentioned, the law requires you need a car seat. I felt so elated and more relaxed when I got that. That was the first moment I think I felt sort of ready. And I didn’t get that till at least 34 weeks. The baby really just needs his/her awesome parents right out the gate. And a variety of colors in life never hurt anyone.
here is my mommy mantra:
all babies NEED is a warm place to sleep, a belly full of milk and a clean diaper.
repeat 1,000,000 times!
the other thought is when you start to get worried that you will never get it done before the baby comes, then it is time to do it. it will go faster if you are nesting!
You are right, with cribs and strollers, it is better to get gender neutral stuff in case you need to reuse them for baby #2. So many times I’ve heard expectant Moms say they want to know the sex because they are “planners.” Well you are NOT finding out the sex because you are a planner, and that’s really smart actually.
As for myself, I found out. I was not sure if I wanted to find out because I was kind of liking the idea of imagining both possibilities, but my husband wanted to find out, and we did. And it was actually a good thing for us only because up until the ultrasound my husband was so convinced it was a boy, and everyone was convinced it was a boy, that I became convinced I was carrying a boy. Come to find out it was a girl.
In short, finding out allowed my husband to prepare for the girl. We discussed boy and girl names, and settled on a boy name, but hadn’t settled on a girl name. After we found out and he asked me, “What are the girl names again?”
Anyway, now he is completely smitten with our daughter who has him wrapped around her tiny pinky finger, which is often the case.
You look beautiful!
Yay for the name game! Feel free to run any and all ideas by me at any time. I LOVE the name game (although we could never agree on girl names, so finding out it was a boy it was a RELIEF to end the name game in our case).
Jenny! We have talked this before, and you know I get you on all accounts. Your list echo’s mine almost verbatim. Life’s last great surprise. Of course I got what I wanted in the end, but I have to believe had Anika been a boy, I would have been too elated to care for one instant that she was not a girl. I know I would have spent 20 weeks disappointed had I found out durning our ultrasound.
You rock. I wish I could rub your belly and your back! sigh. Keep the posts coming, if only for those of us who are far away. I love you.
sizzle: Dude. I know. Even if you are trying not to.
Brooke: Yes! But now the pile can move! Yay!
Fee: Ooh! I have heard so many people say that they KNEW. I have NO idea.
Starkers: Thanks! Yay for three girls!
shawn: I TOTALLY should have gone to BlogHer. I was all caught up in other things, but then when it rolled around, I was SO SAD that I hadn’t made it happen.
chickadee: I can totally see finding out with a third when you already have one of each.
Kelly T: Thanks, friend! Hey, I’ll be down there this weekend. Hope to see you!
Rona: Oh stop. No, please don’t.
moo: Thanks! Only two people have dared touch me and neither were strangers. i guess I don’t mind so much, now that it feels more like a belly and less like flab.
Noreen: Acck! A car seat! That is exactly one of those things that you NEED, but when you try to look for one, there are 5 million choices and it is so stressful!
Victoria: I like your mantra. You should check out my regisrty and see if you approve.
Angie: Hi! Thanks for the support! We are actually ok with either sex, but I see how your reasoning could apply. We do have a preference, though.
Camille: Thanks, love! Happy Birthday, BTW!
Beth C.: I think we peobably will use some of our teacher friend resources to make sure our names aren’t common or obnoxious.
hliv: As you wish! I posted something totally boring today, just for you!
Oh, the name game. As a maternity nurse, my response to EVERY name is, “That’s very sweet, what a great name.” Because who really cares what I think!
I told my mom when she tried to give an opinion (sweetly), “Mom, the correct response to all name suggestions is ‘I love it, that’s great’ or else I will keep the name a secret and you won’t find out until the baby is born.” It was a successful technique. But feel free to email me if you want to know what names we are hearing a lot of, anecdotally.