To have one, or to wait.
How does anyone know when to make that next step? How do you know when you’re ready to alter your life forever? I guess for a lot of people it just happens, and then you GET ready. Maybe that’s a good thing.
My mood on the topic changes from week to week, it seems. For a few days I will think about how fun a baby would be, how great it would be to show it things and teach it stuff. I’ll wonder what it will it look like. I’ll flip open one of my doula text books and dream about how excited I am to be pregnant and give birth…
BUT THEN I’ll think about taking trips. Sleeping in. Doing whatever we want, whenever we want. Being spontaneous. This is a little embarrassing, but I also think about how it will change my body, and worry about possible future body image issues.
My friend* Jill is having similar thoughts:
Oh, and the whole baby thing…yeah, that’s a complicated one. If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have been so incredibly certain and “ready” to get pregnant. This month I’m having cold feet and all the fears of “are we really ready and equipped to make an addition to this family” are cropping up. I’m not sure what feelings to trust, so I’m thoroughly confusing myself. I know one will never really be “ready” but I also wonder if there are still things I need to do/accomplish. I feel like the married folks I know who are getting pregnant are SO certain and have no doubts, AND the married folks who are not getting pregnant are equally certain of themsevles, which leaves me quite confused by my own radical pulls.
I guess maybe I still feel too selfish. If I feel like lazy mornings and the size of my ass are important, I’m not ready, right?
My biggest fear is that things will change with me and SB. It’s impossible for a baby NOT to change things. We’re so perfect right now. I feel sad thinking about not being eachother’s one and only. I know that sounds weird, and selfish, again.
BAH! It will happen soon enough. I now know it will be in the relative near future. I spent so long saying, “five years,’ it’s significant that I’ve made the leap to “relative near future.” Now I think more along the lines of trying to avoid being pregnant during upcoming bachelorette parties in Vegas or glamorous weddings. (Again with the selfish.)
*Hi friend Jill! Hope you don’t mind me publishing your private email on the internets, but you just said it so well. And you’re pretty.
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UPDATED:
This post by Sundry, today, her son’s first birthday, is making my ovaries hurt. Watch the video, it is SO worth it.
